Makin' it Rain: Knowledge Style

I’ve got answers.

I’ve got answers to what everyone is asking. Just take a gander at Google’s search bar after typing just a few question-oriented words and you’ll see what people are looking to the internet for. No more searching will be necessary for three simple questions plaguing the internet, the United States, and probably the World. Oprah and Dr. Phil can’t match the lessons and messages I am about to regurgitate….fo sho.

For starters, why can’t we own Canadian servants? How many times do you do some sort of mundane task and think, “Why isn’t a Canadian here against his or her will, for the sole purposes of carrying out my bidding?” I am sure it numbers in the hundreds. The answer is simple: Canadians are hard to catch. Unless you have been living under a rock for the last ten years or so, you know that Canadians have not only had dominant athletes in their domestic version of football, but also at the Olympic level. At the past three Summer Games, Canada has had two silvers and one gold medal from two prominent sprinters: Pierre LeDouche and Stephen Colbert.

Another question that has been on the minds of many people across the world is “why are American Troops still in Iraq?” Countless theories with well substantiated evidence have been provided from government sources and abroad, but none have offered the true answer until now. Iraq has something we want….and it’s not oil. No, no, it is camel meat. A little known fact that many are not aware of is that camel meat is a key ingredient in hotdogs, which have become more and more scarce ever since demand for hotdogs spiked as a result of a new diet hitting the scene. This leads me to my final answered question:

What is the best way to lose weight? Eat some hotdogs. And by “some hotdogs” I mean hotdogs at every meal. Hotdogs have a special chemical in them, known as Noselfrespsexetrol, that breaks down fatty buildups and transforms them into neurotransmitters that go to your brain that instantly make you feel terrible about yourself. Obviously, the neurotransmitter is a slight side-effect, but once you catch your Canadian servant, you will feel much better. I promise.

There you have it. Consider yourself informed.

Cheers.